My brain feels all warm and fuzzy

Hi everybody. As it turns out I have a hard time blogging when I’m all hopped up on vicodin. See what happened is Monday morning I left my house to go to work and leaned over to pick up the Wall Street Journal and HOLY SHIT, I have never felt pain like that in my life. I haven’t stood up straight since. Poor Chuckles has been taking very good care of me even when I scream at him, “DON’T DO THAT! FUUUUCCCKKKK, IT HURTS!” But the nice Doctor lady gave me vicodin and I’ve been high ever since. I hope I’ll be back to normal soon. I start physical therapy next week – cross your fingers that it works because I’m already starting to get a little chubby thanks to the fact that I use the pain as an excuse to eat lots of candy and I am not allowed to work out right now.

The Death of Domino

I know I am not the first person to say this, but I am quite upset about the demise of Domino. It is pretty much the only design magazine that I enjoy reading. It is original and actually has stuff in it that I feel pertain to me as opposed to Richie Rich who has millions of dollars to spend willy nilly.

I have been reading other design mags in an effort to find a worthy replacement and I have several complaints with them. First of all, what’s with all the fruit? One of the suggestions I noticed was to jazz up your mantel by putting a bowl of lemons on it and scattering more lemons around it. I asked my coworker how long lemons last and she said two weeks. Two weeks. I’m not one to waste food so for me to make it worth while to have a mantel covered in lemons I would have to make a lemony dish every day. Do people really have fresh fruit everywhere in their house like these magazines purport?

Same with fresh flowers? Who can afford to constantly buy fresh flowers? I can somewhat understand in the summer when you can go to a farmer’s market and get a bouquet for $5, but even then I’m not going to buy a bouquet for every damn surface in the house and yet in these magazines there is always a vase full of flowers on every flipping table.

I also feel the need to share with you a few other “suggestions” that were absolutely beyond the realm of ridiculous so everybody can share in my indignation. First, there was the $5,000 sculpture that would be perfect for your library. Yes, your library. Oh, you don’t have one? That’s odd because I thought everybody did.

Second, there was the suggestion to add a little color to your kitchen by buying a red kitchen aid mixer, even if you don’t bake it’ll still provide a bright spot in the kitchen and perk up your mood! For the person out there who is buying a kitchen aid mixer just to look at could you pretty please pay for my tuition instead? I promise it’ll go to better use than spending hundreds of dollars on something you’ll never use when instead you could just buy a pretty bowl at Ikea and fill it with oranges. Just shoot me an email and I’ll let you know the amount. You could even send it right to my university so you know it’s not being spent on shoes and booze. Thanks!

Why would I save my refund? I'm American!

I found out yesterday just how much my tax refund is going to be and since I’m in school it is much bigger than what I have received in the past. Now the question is what do I spend all this money on?! I don’t want to hear all you fuddy duddies (Chuckles) and your stoopid suggestion of, “Why not save it so you can pay off more of your school loans later?” Pooh on you is what I say!

My first thought was to spend it all on almonds. I know I’m weird – no need to inform me in the comments section. The thing is I’m obsessed with these almonds:

I luurrvvee them and I’ve convinced myself that they’re healthy so I can eat them all freakin’ day long. I’m sure that they’re only healthy if I eat a few and not all of them in one day, but I find that life is more enjoyable when I live in denial. So option one is to start a stockpile of roasted almonds.

Option two is the more boring option where I go on a crazy shopping spree. The first order of business would be a watch. I lost my last one and my phone is always dead so I never know what time it is, which probably explains why I’m late to everything. Actually, I’m probably late to everything because I’m like my dad and am convinced that it only takes me twenty minutes to get wherever I’m going and in Seattle that kind of logic implies that I am certifiably crazy. But maybe if I get a watch I’ll be more aware of the fact that even though I think it only took me twenty minutes it, in fact, took over an hour. I am thinking I want this watch:

I kid. I kid. That’s ugly. I was thinking something more along the lines of this:

Or I could get a pair of yellow shoes…I have been dying for a pair for ages.

Or I could just spend it all on porn. The possibilities are endless! What would you buy right now if you could buy anything with no regards to cost?

Worst pickup line EVAH!

I had several requests for more details regarding the worst pickup line I ever received. Now the back story is somewhat long, but I’ll try to get to the point quickly. As I mentioned the pickup line was delivered by a classmate in college. I had started out as a Chemistry major and then made the switch to Chemical Engineering with the promise of more money when I graduated. I, of course, had no idea going into it that Chemical Engineering students hated Chemistry students…well, actually, they hated anybody that wasn’t chemical engineering because they were “stupid”. Seriously, they even made t-shirts. Needless to say, I was too stupid for anybody to actually take the time to talk to so I was pretty much blackballed in the program. Group projects? I always ended up by myself. They were serious assholes and the leader of the group, we’ll call him “Douchebag” was the worst.

The worst class I had to take while in the program was called Transport Phenomena and I couldn’t even tell you what the hell it was about. By far the professor for that class was the worst professor I have ever had. Nobody else can even compare.

For the first two weeks I couldn’t even tell if she was a man or a woman. In fact, later in the year my roommates and I were out to dinner and she was at the table next to us and when I told my roommate who she was I shit you not her reply was, “That was a WOMAN?!”

Soooo, anyway, the only person whose questions she would answer was Douchebag’s. If I ever asked for help all I got was, “You’re not trying hard enough.” This is also the story of how I became a boozeholic in college.

See how this story never seems to end…sorry about that…so I did have two friends in the program who were graduate students and didn’t get the memo about how they were supposed to give me the silent treatment and we used to sit around and complain about this class non stop, which usually meant joking about how Douchebag HAD to be paying for his A with sexual favors.

One night when we were out drinking and making plenty of inappropriate jokes about the prof, Douchebag, who was at the same bar, sidled up to me having overheard our jokes and whispered in my ear: “I bet she would want to have sex with you…because I really do….want to have sex with you.” Nice. After months of being the BIGGEST ASSHOLE EVER he decides to make the move. Classy. Anyway, I laughed so hard I fell off the bar stool.

It is gooder than good

I have to tell you how my four year old nephew is a kick. in. the pants. On Saturday after I had a haircut from hell I went to my parents for dinner. As for the haircut, all you have to know is I was at the salon for two and a half hours and ended leaving before she was finished and styling it myself at home. It was tragic.

Anyway, it was a good thing I had fun plans afterwards because I was in one hell of a pissy mood. After I vented to Chuckles, and my mom…and my sister…and my dad I was finally ready to enjoy the delicious homemade lasagna my mom had made. So…right…I didn’t really want to bore you with my whining – I wanted to share the hilarity that is my nephew. (At least I think he’s hilarious…I could be biased though.)

So I sat next to him at dinner, which started with him wanting salad or, more specifically, the crunchy things. LOTS OF CRUNCHY THINGS. Screw the lettuce. Later my dad was trying to get Jared to eat more of his lasagna and Jared was getting tired of it so he told Grandpa that he KNEW the lasagna was good. Sheesh. To which my dad said well you should tell Grandma you like it. So Jared turned to my mom and said, “Grandma it is gooder than good!” The little kiss ass. He knows how to get an extra brownie. My sister had promised him that if he ate enough dinner he could have dessert, which pretty much put him over the moon.

A little later as my sister and I were talking very animatedly about this girl at her high school Jared very loudly announced that he had lots of things he needed to say. Erin told him he had to choose only one thing to say and then he had to go play. Jared took a deep breath and then said, “It is very important that I say that everybody is going to get dessert when they finish dinner and you have to come and tell me IMMEDIATELY when it is time for dessert.” He then got down from the table and started running around the house while singing the same two lines from Mamma Mia over and over and over again:

Mamma Mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist him?

My new business plan

I’m sure everybody’s heard of the woman who has 14 children and how she doesn’t have a job and all were conceived through IVF. I’m sure everybody has plenty to say about how “irresponsible” she is and how her doctor is “unethical”.

Blah blah blah is what I say. I, for one, think she is a genius. Last night at my book club one of the members pointed out that this woman probably had these kids in the hope of getting a TV deal and I am very upset that I did not think of this first. I have been wasting my time working hard and going to school at night all in the hopes of one day having a modest career.

Now that I have missed out on this opportunity of getting rich by having fourteen kids I need another angle. Luckily, I have smart friends and they came up with the angle for me. So here’s my plan: I am going to quit school and get pregnant with octuplets, but the key is that I don’t realize it until I’m in labor. Then I will have eight kids and it will be a COMPLETE surprise.

How is this possible you ask? First off it runs in the family. My mom didn’t know she was pregnant with my little brother until she was eight months along and I’ll just tell Oprah how I inherited my mom’s talent for denial.

Second, there is also a history of thyroid problems in my family. In fact, I am pretty much the only one in the fam that hasn’t had a problem with my thyroid yet and that includes the cat. Soooo I’ll just tell Babwa how I thought I put all the weight on because my thyroid wasn’t doing its damn job.

Really I think it’s the best plan I’ve got given the economy. If you promise not to spill my secret plan to the media I’ll let you hang out at the house TLC will surely buy me – we can have Wii competitions and play drinking games while the nanny watches the kids.

I'm jumping on the bandwagon

I was tagged for that Facebook thingamajig making the rounds and at first I wasn’t going to do it, but I kept thinking about it and, well, I’m going to attempt to come up with twenty five unique things about me. Here goes…

1. In third grade I told a girl everybody hated her on a dare. Kids can be so mean. And by “kids” I mean me.

2. I thought long and hard about what my first confession should be and all I could come up with was that I had lied to my parents about brushing my teeth. Pathetic.

3. Five years ago I got into a drunken conversation in a bar bathroom with a random girl about the best way to diet and convinced her to order her wedding dress five sizes too small because if I was able to lose that much weight than surely she could! I’ve never lost any weight in my life.

4. Once I called in to work sick and I wasn’t really sick.

5. I’ve been pulled over five times, but I’ve only gotten one ticket. I’m very adept at crying my way out of things. The only reason I got one ticket is because Chuckles was in the car and told me not to be a pansy ass.

6. I tell waitresses that I am deathly allergic to tomatoes because I don’t want my food going anywhere near them. I have a passionate hatred for all food that is red. Unless, of course, it’s artificially red, as in licorice.

7. I told a coworker once that I had read The Lovely Bones. I hadn’t, but I can’t ruin my reputation of being an avid reader.

8. I’ve been known to lie and tell people I already have plans in order to avoid going out. I’m quite the homebody. If you’re reading this and think I lied to you I assure you I’m talking about someone else.

9. I told my parents I had the flu on my twenty-second birthday. I was really just hungover. I still don’t know if they fell for it or not.

10. I told my nephew I killed batman. I promise it’s not what you think. He was frightened of Batman, don’t ask me why, but it was the only way to convince him it was safe to fall asleep.

11. I skipped my first period class in high school at least once a week. I managed this because I was the “secretary” and kept attendance so I just made sure my absences stayed below the maximum allowed.

12. I also skipped every assembly. I am such a nerd...I would hide in one of the practice rooms with a girlfriend and we would just gossip and by “gossip” I mean study.

13. My first job was at a bakery. We would “accidentally” break cookies so we could eat them. I gained fifteen pounds that year.

14. I told a friend she looked cute once when I didn’t really think so. But it was too late to change outfits and I didn’t want her to feel self conscious all night.

15. I lied about my weight AND my height on my driver’s license.

16. I received a truly horrendous nightgown for Christmas one year and I said I liked it. I’m not sure what ever happened to it…I probably hid it in a roommate’s closet and made them deal with it.

17. I HATE moving and as a result I always end up throwing away most of my possessions mid move. In college this meant throwing out all my winter coats and seriously regretting that decision six months later. Two years ago it meant throwing out my senior year yearbook. I feel like I should regret that more than I do.

18. My mom lost one of her Michael Buble CD’s and was convinced that I had borrowed it and I swore I didn’t. She bought a new one. I found it a year later while moving.

19. I am willing to dress horribly for six months and put my current wardrobe in storage if somebody is willing to nominate me for What Not To Wear. Any takers?

20. If I had any balls I would’ve backpacked around Europe after I graduated, but I didn’t and maybe that’s for the best because I might not have met Chuckles and he’s the best part of my life.

21. It’s my life ambition to be on Jeopardy one day and Shelly, who was on in November, told me that you have to have three stories when you audition and I have NOTHING. So I plan on stealing other people’s stories. First story? I took sex ed from my future father in law. Granted this doesn’t work for me right now because I’m not married, but Alex doesn’t need to know that.

22. My brother told me what my birthday present was one year and my “surprise” when I opened it was the worst performance ever.

23. The worst pickup line ever used on me was by a classmate who was very drunk at the time and the next day I told everybody in our program what he said. He deserved it.

24. My college roomies and I used to think it was hilarious to give each other back handed compliments. As in: Those pants are amazing! Your ass doesn’t look nearly as big as it really is. I wish they were here and not in Alaska and Texas of all places. Who lives in Alaska anyways? Who?!

25. I really want to be a mom. I know I have to wait til I graduate from grad school, but I am getting VERY IMPATIENT. Stupid stupid school. I don’t know why I feel this need to make something of myself.