I was tagged for that Facebook thingamajig making the rounds and at first I wasn’t going to do it, but I kept thinking about it and, well, I’m going to attempt to come up with twenty five unique things about me. Here goes…
1. In third grade I told a girl everybody hated her on a dare. Kids can be so mean. And by “kids” I mean me.
2. I thought long and hard about what my first confession should be and all I could come up with was that I had lied to my parents about brushing my teeth. Pathetic.
3. Five years ago I got into a drunken conversation in a bar bathroom with a random girl about the best way to diet and convinced her to order her wedding dress five sizes too small because if I was able to lose that much weight than surely she could! I’ve never lost any weight in my life.
4. Once I called in to work sick and I wasn’t really sick.
5. I’ve been pulled over five times, but I’ve only gotten one ticket. I’m very adept at crying my way out of things. The only reason I got one ticket is because Chuckles was in the car and told me not to be a pansy ass.
6. I tell waitresses that I am deathly allergic to tomatoes because I don’t want my food going anywhere near them. I have a passionate hatred for all food that is red. Unless, of course, it’s artificially red, as in licorice.
7. I told a coworker once that I had read The Lovely Bones. I hadn’t, but I can’t ruin my reputation of being an avid reader.
8. I’ve been known to lie and tell people I already have plans in order to avoid going out. I’m quite the homebody. If you’re reading this and think I lied to you I assure you I’m talking about someone else.
9. I told my parents I had the flu on my twenty-second birthday. I was really just hungover. I still don’t know if they fell for it or not.
10. I told my nephew I killed batman. I promise it’s not what you think. He was frightened of Batman, don’t ask me why, but it was the only way to convince him it was safe to fall asleep.
11. I skipped my first period class in high school at least once a week. I managed this because I was the “secretary” and kept attendance so I just made sure my absences stayed below the maximum allowed.
12. I also skipped every assembly. I am such a nerd...I would hide in one of the practice rooms with a girlfriend and we would just gossip and by “gossip” I mean study.
13. My first job was at a bakery. We would “accidentally” break cookies so we could eat them. I gained fifteen pounds that year.
14. I told a friend she looked cute once when I didn’t really think so. But it was too late to change outfits and I didn’t want her to feel self conscious all night.
15. I lied about my weight AND my height on my driver’s license.
16. I received a truly horrendous nightgown for Christmas one year and I said I liked it. I’m not sure what ever happened to it…I probably hid it in a roommate’s closet and made them deal with it.
17. I HATE moving and as a result I always end up throwing away most of my possessions mid move. In college this meant throwing out all my winter coats and seriously regretting that decision six months later. Two years ago it meant throwing out my senior year yearbook. I feel like I should regret that more than I do.
18. My mom lost one of her Michael Buble CD’s and was convinced that I had borrowed it and I swore I didn’t. She bought a new one. I found it a year later while moving.
19. I am willing to dress horribly for six months and put my current wardrobe in storage if somebody is willing to nominate me for What Not To Wear. Any takers?
20. If I had any balls I would’ve backpacked around Europe after I graduated, but I didn’t and maybe that’s for the best because I might not have met Chuckles and he’s the best part of my life.
21. It’s my life ambition to be on Jeopardy one day and Shelly, who was on in November, told me that you have to have three stories when you audition and I have NOTHING. So I plan on stealing other people’s stories. First story? I took sex ed from my future father in law. Granted this doesn’t work for me right now because I’m not married, but Alex doesn’t need to know that.
22. My brother told me what my birthday present was one year and my “surprise” when I opened it was the worst performance ever.
23. The worst pickup line ever used on me was by a classmate who was very drunk at the time and the next day I told everybody in our program what he said. He deserved it.
24. My college roomies and I used to think it was hilarious to give each other back handed compliments. As in: Those pants are amazing! Your ass doesn’t look nearly as big as it really is. I wish they were here and not in Alaska and Texas of all places. Who lives in Alaska anyways? Who?!
25. I really want to be a mom. I know I have to wait til I graduate from grad school, but I am getting VERY IMPATIENT. Stupid stupid school. I don’t know why I feel this need to make something of myself.