Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'm jumping on the bandwagon

I was tagged for that Facebook thingamajig making the rounds and at first I wasn’t going to do it, but I kept thinking about it and, well, I’m going to attempt to come up with twenty five unique things about me. Here goes…

1. In third grade I told a girl everybody hated her on a dare. Kids can be so mean. And by “kids” I mean me.

2. I thought long and hard about what my first confession should be and all I could come up with was that I had lied to my parents about brushing my teeth. Pathetic.

3. Five years ago I got into a drunken conversation in a bar bathroom with a random girl about the best way to diet and convinced her to order her wedding dress five sizes too small because if I was able to lose that much weight than surely she could! I’ve never lost any weight in my life.

4. Once I called in to work sick and I wasn’t really sick.

5. I’ve been pulled over five times, but I’ve only gotten one ticket. I’m very adept at crying my way out of things. The only reason I got one ticket is because Chuckles was in the car and told me not to be a pansy ass.

6. I tell waitresses that I am deathly allergic to tomatoes because I don’t want my food going anywhere near them. I have a passionate hatred for all food that is red. Unless, of course, it’s artificially red, as in licorice.

7. I told a coworker once that I had read The Lovely Bones. I hadn’t, but I can’t ruin my reputation of being an avid reader.

8. I’ve been known to lie and tell people I already have plans in order to avoid going out. I’m quite the homebody. If you’re reading this and think I lied to you I assure you I’m talking about someone else.

9. I told my parents I had the flu on my twenty-second birthday. I was really just hungover. I still don’t know if they fell for it or not.

10. I told my nephew I killed batman. I promise it’s not what you think. He was frightened of Batman, don’t ask me why, but it was the only way to convince him it was safe to fall asleep.

11. I skipped my first period class in high school at least once a week. I managed this because I was the “secretary” and kept attendance so I just made sure my absences stayed below the maximum allowed.

12. I also skipped every assembly. I am such a nerd...I would hide in one of the practice rooms with a girlfriend and we would just gossip and by “gossip” I mean study.

13. My first job was at a bakery. We would “accidentally” break cookies so we could eat them. I gained fifteen pounds that year.

14. I told a friend she looked cute once when I didn’t really think so. But it was too late to change outfits and I didn’t want her to feel self conscious all night.

15. I lied about my weight AND my height on my driver’s license.

16. I received a truly horrendous nightgown for Christmas one year and I said I liked it. I’m not sure what ever happened to it…I probably hid it in a roommate’s closet and made them deal with it.

17. I HATE moving and as a result I always end up throwing away most of my possessions mid move. In college this meant throwing out all my winter coats and seriously regretting that decision six months later. Two years ago it meant throwing out my senior year yearbook. I feel like I should regret that more than I do.

18. My mom lost one of her Michael Buble CD’s and was convinced that I had borrowed it and I swore I didn’t. She bought a new one. I found it a year later while moving.

19. I am willing to dress horribly for six months and put my current wardrobe in storage if somebody is willing to nominate me for What Not To Wear. Any takers?

20. If I had any balls I would’ve backpacked around Europe after I graduated, but I didn’t and maybe that’s for the best because I might not have met Chuckles and he’s the best part of my life.

21. It’s my life ambition to be on Jeopardy one day and Shelly, who was on in November, told me that you have to have three stories when you audition and I have NOTHING. So I plan on stealing other people’s stories. First story? I took sex ed from my future father in law. Granted this doesn’t work for me right now because I’m not married, but Alex doesn’t need to know that.

22. My brother told me what my birthday present was one year and my “surprise” when I opened it was the worst performance ever.

23. The worst pickup line ever used on me was by a classmate who was very drunk at the time and the next day I told everybody in our program what he said. He deserved it.

24. My college roomies and I used to think it was hilarious to give each other back handed compliments. As in: Those pants are amazing! Your ass doesn’t look nearly as big as it really is. I wish they were here and not in Alaska and Texas of all places. Who lives in Alaska anyways? Who?!

25. I really want to be a mom. I know I have to wait til I graduate from grad school, but I am getting VERY IMPATIENT. Stupid stupid school. I don’t know why I feel this need to make something of myself.


Gretchen said...

19. I often think about how I would go about doing this.

You'd skip assemblies to study?! Nerd. :D

Kez said...

Hee hee - this is the best version of this meme that i've seen!
Seriously - you're a crack up :)

April said...

I'm a little disappointed that you left out the really bad pick-up line from 23. Really, what's the harm?
I'm feeling only slightly left out that no one's yet tagged me on Facebook for this one.

Andy said...

This weekend, I had an AWFUL hangover, and my dad asked me "Andy, do you have the flu?"

"Of course dad. I have the flu."

emmysuh said...

The gist I'm getting from this is that you lie a lot. JUST KIDDING. But I do too (in the same terms you do) so we can still be friends.

I love tomatoes. We can still STILL be friends.

Dingo said...

If your nephew heard the rampage that Christian Bale unleashed on his DP, then I don't wonder why he's afraid of Batman. You did a good thing, Auntie.

Rachie said...

Oh these are good one! I really enjoyed reading them

Bayjb said...

#19 I would totally do that too. Count me in

Anonymous said...

HA! I have Seriously considered starting to dress in sweatpants everywhere so that Stacy and Clinton will somehow come find me and give me $5,000. Because, that would kick ass.

Also. I met someone at college who was from Alaska, and I think the shock on my face also read "People REALLY live there?!!....omg..."

Elizabeth said...

I got wasted for the first time the day before I was supposed to go test drive cars with my dad. It was ridiculous, but he completely believed the food poisoning line.

My sister and I are pros at the backhanded comment. We always say something under the guise of being helpful... "I noticed those jeans give you cameltoe. You might want to go up two sizes" Yeah, that kind of helpful, and usually so untrue.

Great list!

PunkyBean said...

Great list! It's so original! My list said things like: I have two kids and My favorite band is Social Distortion.

Very disappointed in myself now...


I too would like to know the pick up line!

Anonymous said...

i love lists

#4 - only ONCE?!
#19 - i want to be on there so bad! i've thought about dressing like a crazy person for a month too
#20 - awww!

Matt said...

I cant believe you killed Batman.

You're a horrible person.

random moments said...

I tell the same lie to waitresses about tomatoes! They are so effing disgusting I gag when I see them.

Me and my college buds have similar humor. We try to disgust each other by acting like we're obsessed with one another: I miss you Smoo. I made a hair doll of you with all the strands of your hair I've collected over the years. Come back to me.

It hard to find those type of friends these days. Hang on to them. Alaska? Really???

Anonymous said...

I definitely did this list on Fbook and posted it to my blog.

By the way, The Lovely Bones is a reallllly good book. You should read it. Also, I just did a story on a guy who was on Jeopardy and he said the online test, which is the first step, was the hardest part. So if you can get past that - and use your stolen stories, of course - I'd say you're golden.

Megkathleen said...

Gretchen - I know, I think my best option is actually to go really downhill after I have kids.

Kez - Thanks!

April - Oh, I'll share the bad pickup line. There's just a long backstory to go along with it.

Andy - I know. I think deep down my parents knew the truth but didn't want to admit it.

Emmysuh - I do lie a lot. But doesn't everyone? I'm glad we can still be friends despite it. I promise I won't lie to you.

Dingo - I know! It broke my heart to kill him, but he had anger issues.

Rachie - Thanks!

Bayjb - Awesome! Now we just have to work on our stories as to why we're such horrible dressers.

Heatherdc - I know. Those crazies.

Elizabeth - That's hilarious!

Punkybean - I'll share the pickup line. I'm afraid it won't sound as horrible if you weren't actually there to hear it. People will just have to trust me on this one.

Notsojenny - Not really once. That was another lie I told...

Matt - I know. But I'm not as bad as my nephew because earlier that same day he informed that he peed on Batman. I don't know which is worse.

Random Moments - I wish I was funny enough to come up with the hair doll. That's hilarious!

Amindinmotown - I have read it since and, yes, it is excellent. I took the online test and FAILED. But I won't give up!

Kristen said...


I was totally going to post this exact same thing today but I couldn't think of 25 things. I had only 5.

You win.

S. said...

6. I'm so tempted to do this when I go out to eat. Except I LOVE my veggies, it's Mayo I can't stand.

Chris said...

It was really loud in a bar one night and I asked a girl "do you want to dance?" and when she said no, I said above the din, "No, I said you look fat in those pants."

My buddy behind me took the drink in the face because I was just sober enough to duck it.

Moral of the story: Eat your red veggies.

Jay said...

I find you to be both evil and high maintenance. Broken cookies for all!

Pam said...

Great list! I love 19. You should totally go for it. I would seriously wear airbrush tees and stirrup pants and purple cowboy boots every day if I could get on that show. Clinton and Stacy are geniuses.