Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What happens when I get bored

I had my first marketing class last night. It was boring. Very very boring. First of all, the professor, who was probably in his mid-fifties, showed up in a polo shirt with a popped collar so I already hate him. While I was there I got tired of doodling and instead started writing whatever crossed my mind…anything to keep myself awake. Here’s my notes for your entertainment:

5:33 – I can’t believe I’m going to miss Dancing with the Stars just to spend three hours reviewing the homework.

5:41 – People are stupid.

5:46 – I hate people who don’t raise their hands to talk (When the class is graded on participation and you interrupt other people who haven’t had a chance to speak you’re what people call a Douchebag.)

5:43 – I forgot to bring dinner to work…soooooo hungry. I’m so hungry I actually feel sick to my stomach.

5:52 – Shut. Your. Mouth. What did I say about not interrupting people?!

5:58 – Am I really in graduate school? I only wonder because it appears to me that we’re spending three hours going over homework that consisted of reading comprehension questions.

6:05 – I really need to get my bangs trimmed. They look like a hot tranny mess. (Did I use that in the right way? I really don’t know what it means.)

6:11 – Remember in movies how kids always read comic books hidden behind their school books. I need to figure out a way to work that in this class. I should follow the example of the kid sitting next to me who’s instant messaging friends.

6:17– My bladder is going to explode. Maybe I should stop with this and start writing a will.

6:23 – I wonder what would happen if I started to cry from boredom…I think I’m about to find out.

6:37 – I should come up with a new catchphrase. How ‘bout Shazam? I might have stole that from somebody else…I lack all creativity skills.

6:41 – Stomach growling loudly. People looking around trying to locate noise.

6:47 – Oh dear God. I’m so hungry. Please make it stop. Now I’m whimpering and this can only mean that nobody will want to be in a group with the weird whimpering girl.

6:53 – Just because somebody else is willing to do something does NOT justify an action! Why is this so hard to understand?!

6:59 – People are so stupid.

7:06 – Raise your fucking hand or shut your mouth.

7:11 – My classmates are so unethical it boggles the mind. This is why markets need to be regulated because I can tell you first hand that business students are NOT ethical. They have no morals. None.

7:17 – This, my friends, is why I always have food in my car. Just had a break and was able to run out to the car and grab cheezits. I’m so happy right now.

7:26 – Less than an hour left in class. Shazam! Does it work?

Apparently, this is the point where I passed out…either that or was too distracted by the cheezits to write. I really hope the next class isn’t this boring – I just can’t handle it. I’m afraid of what kind of harm I might possibly inflict on myself if I have to relive this again.

Monday, September 29, 2008


Saturday morning I got up early to meet a few friends for a delicious greasy breakfast. One of my friends, Mikey, had some very exciting news for us – he is becoming an American citizen! Finally, after living here for years he has decided that he will grace the good ole U.S. of A. with his tax revenue.

Of course, this is very exciting, but before Andrea and I could give our approval we had to find out who he planned to vote for in his very first presidential election. Andrea and I our staunch liberals and we couldn’t allow another McCain crazy out on the streets!

Sure, I know what you’re thinking: Could I really stop him from registering to vote. And the answer is of course, don’t be stupid. As I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me is at the news of Mike’s new citizenship we had to find out who he was planning on voting for. His answer? “Palin, of course! I vote for BOOBIES!”

We tried to reason with him. Believe me, we did, but we obviously made the bad decision of trying to talk to him at breakfast because he was much too distracted by his hash browns. All he would say over and over is, “Why wouldn’t I vote for boobies? What other issue could possibly trump boobies?”

We just shook our heads and pointed out to him that Sarah probably didn’t even WANT him to be a citizen – she’d probably take his citizenship back if she could and ship him over to Russia. He really didn’t have a problem with that. We pointed out that she was probably angry with him for taking American’s jobs. Once again he said whatever…BOOBIES!

But I’ve had a couple days to think about it and I think this conversation is proof that he will make a very good American and who am I to try and stop that by kidnapping him and holding him hostage until it’s too late for him to register? Plus, I am really looking forward to the U.S.A! U.S.A.! party to celebrate his citizenship where we will get to dress up as our favorite American stereotypes and eat lots of really greasy and fatty foods.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

How NOT to dress your kids

I would like to continue my earlier story about my shopping trip with the sister if that is okay with you. It’s not really a story so much as I need to share what I discovered in Gap kids after the screeching alarm went off:

Who is buying this for their daughter? I mean really?! A FUR VEST? What is Gap thinking? You know what it reminds me of? Those annoying, bratty rich girls that have fur coats at the age of five. Like Veruca Salt and, in case you didn’t know, everybody hates Veruca Salt.

I really don’t even know what to say about it – I’m at a loss for words, which is why originally I wasn’t going to write about it until, that is, I saw a story on the news about a Seattle company called Heelarious. It is a company started by women who wanted their baby girls to wear high heels. That is correct - the black patent mary janes weren’t cute enough or girly enough for them. Or maybe they were too girly and they wanted something more grown up.

Who really cares what they were thinking? What really galls me is these women think they’re the bees knees and absolutely hi-larious…hence the name “Heelarious.” So clever! I’m not going to go into how unbelievably stupid I think the whole thing is, but I will say this: Do the shoes not look an awful lot like Minnie Mouse’s high heels? And I have to say…I can’t imagine if I had a baby girl that I would want to dress her like Minnie Mouse. But that’s just me.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Nude MILF Sweepstakes

I’m not sure if my three readers are aware of this, but there is an opportunity for you to win over $600 worth of prizes! There is, I swear. I would never lie to you. NEVER. Not only is there a chance for you to win some awesome prizes, but there’s a chance for you to see Crissy’s tig bitties. Once again I would never lie to you.

So here’s the dealio: if you’re not reading Crissy’s blog on a daily basis then you are not living life to the fullest. For example, today she wrote about poop, which is always funny. Right?! Anycrap, she is in the running for Hottest Mommy Blogger and she made the statement that if she won she would post nude pictures of herself and she is also not a liar so don’t think for a second that she won’t live up to her word.

Here’s where the prizes come in: in an effort to fix the contest, see nudie Crissy, and take down the man (aka Dooce), Stoogepie is offering the following prizes if you vote for Crissy: a camera with a case, a memory stick, photoshop, the novels Swollen and Upstream both written by the FAB Melissa Lion who will sign it with your own personalized message.

For more details please go to Stoogepie’s blog because I’m really too lazy to type out all the details, but if you’re not already convinced of the awesomeness of this then you are unbelievably lame and should probably look into doing something about that. Here’s a link directly to the page to vote for all you people who are as lazy as I am: http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/48355.

On top of all that if one of you readers win and say you saw the contest on my blog I can win a video camera! And you know what that means: Boring videos of me doing things like brushing my hair or solving a rubik’s cube or my mom on Thanksgiving trying to figure out to cook a turkey or me singing “I Touch Myself” at karaoke or the aftermath of me after I’ve had two bottles of wine – fun right?! YES!

So go out there people and vote your little asses off.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I'm really good at embarrassing myself

I decided to be a nice little sister and take my sister shopping for her birthday as opposed to punishing her for all the horrible things she did to me when we were little – I still haven’t gotten her back for that time when she was babysitting and right before my brother’s and my bedtime she went into our rooms, climbed under our covers, and farted like she had never farted before, but I will get revenge; it’s just a matter of time.

Unfortunately, I was too distracted by the glory that is H&M to bother picking out butt ugly outfits to force the big sis to try on. After I spent too much money we decided to wander around some other stores mostly because I suspect big sis was enjoying her trip without her two adorable little boys one of whom when we left kept screaming he NEEDED to give her a hug with his chocolate and maple syrup covered fingers.

First, we went to LuluLemon where I drooled over all the workout clothes that were way too expensive for me to justify buying. Plus why would I want to spend $100 bucks on clothes I’m just going to sweat a lot in? But I still really want this jacket…

After LuluLemon we headed over to the Gap. As we were wandering around I spotted on the opposite wall a gorgeous black purse – just what I’ve been looking for! I headed over to take look and grabbed for it only to find out it was attached to the wall. This being an immediate indication that it was probably out of my price range I started searching for the price tag when out of the frakking blue an ear screeching alarm went off. My sister looked at me like I’d lost my mind and quickly ran away so nobody would think we were together and I looked around and proclaimed very loudly, “I was NOT trying to steal the bag. I was just trying to find out how much it is, but OBVIOUSLY they don’t want us to know and they have LOST MY BUSINESS. HA! That’ll show ‘em.” Then I went on to buy a pair of pants and a sweater. I stick to my words. Oh, and here’s the purse they felt the need to attach an alarm to that had my ears ringing for the next day and a half:

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Examples of how gullible I am

Something Crissy said on her bloggie blog today reminded me of a story I just HAD to share despite the fact that ultimately is in an accurate representation of what a ditz I can be. Chuckles and I have spent a couple weekends over the past couple summers lounging around at Lake Chelan and while we generally just lay around and wait for the skin cancer to get us every once in a while we get off our bums and go look through the little touristy shops that permeate the place.

One day we were wandering around an art gallery and I offhandedly mentioned that I liked a painting, which happened to be by one Ed Hunt. Chuckles responded by saying, “Huh. I know his brother Mike.” I replied by loudly saying, “You’ve never mentioned Mike Hunt to me. I have never met Mike Hunt.” Chuckles told me to use my inside voice or I should say attempted to but he was having difficulty because he was laughing too hard.

Then there was the time we were driving up to the tulip fields and as we were passing a Hertz rental car place Chuckles ever so sweetly asked me if I would like a “Hertz donut”. My reply? “Hertz has donuts? Well, yeah I want one. You know how much I love do – OW! What the?!” Yep, he punched me in the arm and then said, “Hurts, don’t it?” HAHAHA. He’s a riot and I’m a dum dum.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Be Present

Do you like how I’ve stooped to stealing ideas from other bloggers? This particular blogger being Mizfit. It is just that her post yesterday really hit home with me so I decided to STEAL HER IDEA. Mwahahahaha.

Anycrap, Mizfit was talking about being in the moment, which is a tough one for me. As I have said before, and by said before I mean gone on ad nauseum, I am a busy chick. I have this bad habit of always having this long running list in my head of what needs to be done and as a result I am never actually thinking about what I’m doing at that very moment. This tends to be quite overwhelming and I am slowly learning to embrace the advice of one baby step at a time and screw multi tasking.

This is especially apropos this week because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown Monday night because this is my week off of school and yet I have found ZERO time to workout and it is making me feel like shit. In reality, there is nothing I can do about it so I should just embrace the things I’m doing instead of spending the whole time thinking about what I’m not doing…I’m just rambling now aren’t I? Since I know I am not the only one who is a busy bee what do you guys do to remain sane while in the midst of a hectic schedule? For me every time I start to feel overwhelmed I am going to chant my new mantra, “Be Present.”

On a completely unrelated note, I just received an email from my bestest friend from college who lives in Seabrook, TX which is right on the coast of Galveston Bay. As you can probably imagine things aren’t going so well for her and it’s not just that her fantasy football team isn’t performing well. I feel helpless and am not sure what to say to make her feel better so I am going to do the only thing I know how to do: send her a care package. But I need ideas on what to send her! I want to send her something fun to try and cheer her up – maybe something to entertain her and her fiancĂ© since they will be out of power for approximately the next three weeks.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Things aren't going so well

As the title not so cleverly points out things are not going so well for me. Specifically in the football arena. I’ve already pointed out that my fantasy football quarterback was Tom Brady and we all know what happened there. Then this weekend I unwittingly left a couple players on my roster who were Houston players – Damn Hurricane Ike! I blame my suckiness all on Ike NOT on my laziness, which caused me to not update my team. It’s Ike’s fault I tell you. Or Spencer’s. In fact, let’s go with Spencer because I hate him with the passion of a thousand suns and the fug girls are right when they say, “Blame Spencer.”

Secondly, my beloved Washington State Cougars are embarrassing themselves. Last week they lost to California to the tune of 66 – 3. Not pretty. I can’t even bring myself to watch, which has caused some people to accuse me of not being a true Coug to which I reply, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Do you want me to sing the fight song at the top of my lungs right now?! Do you?! Because I will. Don’t doubt that. And, yes, that is a threat. Nobody wants to hear me sing.”

Thirdly, there are the Seahawks. We got our asses handed to us last week, but this week I blame our loss to the 49er’s on stupid NFL rules. I HATE the way NFL overtime works – it basically all comes down to luck of the draw. If they had called heads I am sure we would have won. Obviously somebody has it out for me and by somebody I mean GOD. So God, please, I really need at least one of my teams to do well. Is that asking too much of you?! Is it?! Of course not. While you’re at it I think I’m going to buy a lottery ticket later so if you could email me the winning numbers I would reaallllyyy appreciate it.

On a completely unrelated note here is my poll for today: Since today is my big sister’s birthday should I A. take her out to dinner and a movie (I was thinking the dollar menu at Mickey D’s and Tyler Perry’s new flick), B. take her shopping at H&M and be loud and obnoxious and force her to try on the most ridiculous outfits I can find, or C. offer to babysit her two little boys and teach the oldest to say naughty things (feel free to suggest naughty sayings that would be funny to hear a three year old boy say).

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Help Me Internets!

I need your advice peoples. In fact, I’ve been thinking that the solution to my inability to make decisions is to start having my three readers make those decisions for me. I’ll have polls such as, “What should I make for dinner? Chicken Piccata or Hot Dogs?” Or, “Which career path should I take, CPA or CFO?” Or, “What should I snack on this afternoon, pretzels or cheezits?” “What is the best dildo out on the market these days?” (That was for you stoogepie!) It’ll be good times.

So my question for you internettians today is what are your feelings on rain boots? I think they’re cute and when I see girls on the streets wearing them I always think they look cute, but the problem I run into is where would I wear them. To work? There never seems to be much of a need for rain boots in my accounting office. A coworker suggested I wear them on the weekends with my jeans tucked in with a fitted jacket, but I am afraid this would stumpify me (I’m petite…so imagine short chubby midget legs). Should I wear it with funky thigh high socks and a miniskirt or does that scream out I think and dress like I am only thirteen years old? How about with opaque tights and a black business skirt or would that just be odd?

I am floundering here and I need your guidance! In case you needed a visual here are the rain boots that I am considering blessing with a good home (I would only pick one pair of course):

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I used to balk at the assumption of many that girls hold grudges. The Meganator would come out in full force and demand people stop making such horrible generalizations and then fiercely point out that I do not, in fact, hold grudges.

Unfortunately, I had an epiphany this morning and realized that I do hold grudges. I will never be friends again with that one girl who tried to get me fired at my last job. Sure, maybe she didn’t realize that by telling that lie about me it was bad enough to do more than just get me in trouble, but I will not forgive that.

I will never be friends with that one girl who gave my ex boyfriend a blow job. Sure he was an asshole and I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place, but I will hold that grudge against her to my grave. But these are not what caused the epiphany…I guess that is probably apparent since they are in the distant past. No, it was my fantasy football team that made me realize it.

I hold serious grudges against players who don’t play well for me. Two years ago Randy Moss was on my team when he was still an Oakland Raider and he was HORRIBLE. No matter how many times you try to explain to me that he was not the horrible one, but, instead, his quarterback was horrible I won’t listen. I will plug my ears and start singing Like A Virgin at the top of my lungs so it would actually be in your best interest to not try to talk any sense into me. If Randy Moss ever in some sort of freak accident ends up on my fantasy football team he will be traded before you can say, “It’s almost like you enjoy losing.”

I was trying to figure out what quarterback I would pick up to replace Tom Brady who screwed me over by getting himself hurt in the first quarter of the first game of the season (Thanks a lot Brady!) and one of my options was Marc Bulger. Well, let me tell you, I will never ever have him on a team again, not after last year when he was also injured early on in the season.

As a result of this treatment, that some have called harsh, I dropped my tight end today. He only scored me one point this weekend. Yes, maybe it wasn’t the smartest move to drop Chris Cooley – it might have just been a bad day for him, but, honestly, I don’t care if he kicks ass the rest of the season I will NOT regret dropping him. I just want all my players to know that if you don’t perform like I expect you to then you are GONE. Gone. You’ve been warned Jake Delhomme - that’s how I roll.