Slightly Crazy

I always joke that I have a slightly obsessive compulsive personality. I don’t mean that I have to check 7 times if I turned the oven off or that I compulsively wash my hands, but that I am a complete slave to my routine. Sometimes I think that my routine is all that is keeping me sane. I can be so engrossed in my routine that it interferes with my life. For example, around midterms and finals I will get super stressed about not having enough time to study or write papers, but instead of asking for help from Chuckles in doing my laundry or grocery shopping or cooking dinner I will insist on doing it all myself. Because how could I possibly get through a Friday morning without going to the grocery store? Or you can’t seriously think I would let somebody else touch my dirty clothes? The thought alone makes me start hyperventilating.

It’s not just my routine, but I always need my CD’s and shoes to be arranged in a certain order and if somebody even thinks about changing it I will Flip. The Fuck. Out. Anyway, I wasn’t planning on boring you with ALL of my neuroses today…The fact is that my routine has been thrown into a complete tailspin this past week and it is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. While writing about Enron the only thing going through my mind is “I don’t know what we’re doing for dinner tomorrow night” and next thing you know I’ve written that exact sentence down right in the middle of a paragraph about auditing legislation. It takes me approximately a minute to get out of my chair because I’m concentrating on the fact that I can’t, at the moment, do laundry at my house.

The reason for all the changes is GOOD, but I can’t seem to get past the change itself. We are having our kitchen and utility room floor retiled and getting a new stove and Chuckles is repainting those rooms. Good things right?! Especially the stove because I have been known to complain about our lack of a vent.

My complete reliance on routine could quite possibly be the most annoying thing about me. I definitely hate that I can be so inflexible about how things have to be done. I guess I hope that by writing this out I can see how utterly silly I’m being. Does anybody else rely on their daily routines to a fault and, if not, how do you live?!

My new business plan

I’m sure everybody’s heard of the woman who has 14 children and how she doesn’t have a job and all were conceived through IVF. I’m sure everybody has plenty to say about how “irresponsible” she is and how her doctor is “unethical”.

Blah blah blah is what I say. I, for one, think she is a genius. Last night at my book club one of the members pointed out that this woman probably had these kids in the hope of getting a TV deal and I am very upset that I did not think of this first. I have been wasting my time working hard and going to school at night all in the hopes of one day having a modest career.

Now that I have missed out on this opportunity of getting rich by having fourteen kids I need another angle. Luckily, I have smart friends and they came up with the angle for me. So here’s my plan: I am going to quit school and get pregnant with octuplets, but the key is that I don’t realize it until I’m in labor. Then I will have eight kids and it will be a COMPLETE surprise.

How is this possible you ask? First off it runs in the family. My mom didn’t know she was pregnant with my little brother until she was eight months along and I’ll just tell Oprah how I inherited my mom’s talent for denial.

Second, there is also a history of thyroid problems in my family. In fact, I am pretty much the only one in the fam that hasn’t had a problem with my thyroid yet and that includes the cat. Soooo I’ll just tell Babwa how I thought I put all the weight on because my thyroid wasn’t doing its damn job.

Really I think it’s the best plan I’ve got given the economy. If you promise not to spill my secret plan to the media I’ll let you hang out at the house TLC will surely buy me – we can have Wii competitions and play drinking games while the nanny watches the kids.

What do you think you're doing?!

I am one of those crazies who talk in their sleep and have real conversations with people. For the most part Chuckles finds this amusing…except of course when I yell at him, which is what happens, oh, I don’t know, maybe 99% of the time.

Usually what happens is after I have fallen into a deep sleep, which takes me all of five seconds, Chuckles will move slightly and I will respond by doing one of two things. I will either shout at him, “What do you think you’re doing?!” to which he responds, “NOTHING!” You know it really isn’t nice of me to yell at him for nothing and yet I continue to yell at him – usually some lecture about how lying is bad and how don’t think for a second I believe him and his “nothing” excuse…oh yeah, he’s up to something.

Or I’ll see something that isn’t there. Sometimes it’s a bug, which I will insist is there, and I either have to get up and get a closer look or Chuckles needs to get up and KILL IT NOW. Don’t ever question me when this happens because it will just get me unnecessarily upset. Just let me look at it. Chuckles doesn’t understand this. He has to insist that I’m dreaming. If he would just let me turn the light on I would figure it out for myself. Instead it always ends in an argument because apparently people who are trying to sleep don’t like having the light on. Losers.

Or I’ll see somebody else in the room and will scream bloody murder and hurry to use Chuckles as a barrier for the knife stabbing that is imminent. Instead of comforting me he just pushes me away telling me to keep quiet, but to his credit I do do this a lot. Then there was the time I thought there was another girl in bed with us. That was NOT PRETTY. That started with my usual question: “What do you think you’re doing?” Chuckles insisted I was sleeping which just pissed me off more. Unfortunately, it didn’t help that Chuckles was laughing the whole time saying things like, “There’s another girl in the bed? Where? How could I be unaware of this? Is she hot?” So I forced to yell at him, “This is NOT a laughing matter do you WANT to get kicked in the balls?” I think he was laughing too hard to hear me though.

It’s always an adventure going to bed with me – not in that way you dirty dirty birdies – I mean you never know what I will do in the middle of the night. Sometimes we’ll get into long conversations which leave me extremely frustrated because Chuckles always has no idea what I’m talking about and those conversations always end with my yelling at him to stop pretending he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and to stop acting so stupid, you stupid dummy.

But, if you ask me, none of this compares to my little brother who has been known to get up in the middle of the night and take down all the pictures and put them all in the bathroom. Yeah, I know. He’s a real Crazy.