My new business plan

I’m sure everybody’s heard of the woman who has 14 children and how she doesn’t have a job and all were conceived through IVF. I’m sure everybody has plenty to say about how “irresponsible” she is and how her doctor is “unethical”.

Blah blah blah is what I say. I, for one, think she is a genius. Last night at my book club one of the members pointed out that this woman probably had these kids in the hope of getting a TV deal and I am very upset that I did not think of this first. I have been wasting my time working hard and going to school at night all in the hopes of one day having a modest career.

Now that I have missed out on this opportunity of getting rich by having fourteen kids I need another angle. Luckily, I have smart friends and they came up with the angle for me. So here’s my plan: I am going to quit school and get pregnant with octuplets, but the key is that I don’t realize it until I’m in labor. Then I will have eight kids and it will be a COMPLETE surprise.

How is this possible you ask? First off it runs in the family. My mom didn’t know she was pregnant with my little brother until she was eight months along and I’ll just tell Oprah how I inherited my mom’s talent for denial.

Second, there is also a history of thyroid problems in my family. In fact, I am pretty much the only one in the fam that hasn’t had a problem with my thyroid yet and that includes the cat. Soooo I’ll just tell Babwa how I thought I put all the weight on because my thyroid wasn’t doing its damn job.

Really I think it’s the best plan I’ve got given the economy. If you promise not to spill my secret plan to the media I’ll let you hang out at the house TLC will surely buy me – we can have Wii competitions and play drinking games while the nanny watches the kids.

How I Got My Kitchen Aid Mixer

I have to say my mom is pretty cool and I’m not just saying that because I am pretty much an exact replication of my mom. I say it because she makes horrible bets and as a result I’ve gotten a lot of free stuff.

I’m not the only she makes bets with; in fact I’m pretty sure that it is her favorite pastime. For example, when I was away at college and my younger brother was still at home for some unknown reason they got into a discussion about how many times I had braces growing up: little bro said twice and my mom said, “Only once, are you kidding me?! I think I would remember shelling out that kind of dough!” Of course, a bet had to be made as to who was right and I was promptly called and asked the question. No “How are you?” “How’s college treating you?” Just, “How many times did you have braces?” Not even a goodbye. Anyway, the answer was twice. Yes, I had terrible terrible teeth. So my brother got new bedding while my mom went to the orthodontist and demanded that after all the money they’ve received from our family there should at least be a chair in the lobby dedicated to our family.

Two years ago I went on vacation with her to the Oregon coast and did not buy one thing for myself. Every game of cribbage or cards played was with the caveat that loser pays for breakfast or loser pays for coffee etc. etc. Like I said I received a LOT of free meals.

But by far the best bet I made was, alas, my last because my dad finally told her she had to stop because he was tired of buying all this free stuff for me…that and I almost had her hooked for a free computer twenty minutes later and he just couldn’t let that happen.

It occurred right after I moved into my Green Lake apartment and was whining constantly about how I didn’t have a kitchen aid mixer. I mean, how was I supposed to bake cookies?! How does one LIVE without a kitchen aid mixer?! My live was incomplete without one! I couldn’t sleep at night!

So, anyway, one day my parents, big sis, and nephew joined me on a walk around the lake and lunch at a local restaurant. At lunch my mom ordered calamari and when it came my sister, mom, and I dug into the rings but only my dad would eat the squid. I, by far, was the most grossed out by the squid with their little heads and would look at my dad in pure disgust every time he nonchalantly popped one in his mouth. My mom, of course, was curious as to what my price would be - as in just how much would it take to get me to eat one of those things. The perfect situation for a bet. At first it was hypothetical with my mom simply asking, “If you were to get a free yellow kitchen aid mixer would you eat the calamari?” Of course, I replied saying there was no way for me to know without the offer actually being on the table and, well, her curiosity got the better of her and a concrete offer was made. It did take me a good forty-five minutes to grow a pair and eat the damn squid and we had to tell the waitress multiple times do NOT take the plate away. I really have my sister to thank for finally saying to me, “Just eat it for the love of all things holy! It’s a free kitchen aid mixer! I can’t even look at you right now. You disgust me.” It was just the push I needed. A week later my parents showed up at my apartment with a kitchen aid mixer wrapped in squid recipes.