I am just racked with insecurities today. Man do I hate those days. I know I complain about this a lot, but as I told Chuckles earlier I really do hate not having time to workout and as he said I would have to quit work or school to make time for it so I will just have to survive for now with my once a week workout routine.
I was doing pretty good this summer and ran my first 5K in September and did pretty well according to my standards. My goal when I signed up for the race was to finish in under thirty minutes and I finished at thirty one minutes – close enough for me! Also, I was 74th out of about 2,800 in my division.
I am running my second 5K this weekend, but this one is a little different and I haven’t been running nearly as much as I was this summer. On top of that I’m part of a team with two other girls who work out every day. Then there’s me who’s lucky to get in fifteen minutes of yoga a week. It is quite frustrating.
My teammates are very sweet and have assured me that they are in no way serious about this and we can run at whatever pace we want, but on this typical Monday I am just feeling slightly nervous about it.
Also, there are obstacles in the course. What kind of obstacles we won’t know til we show up. At least one of my teammates refuses to get dirty so it should be interesting what with me being a slowpoke and our team refusing to participate in obstacles. Chuckles is excited – he thinks it will be quite entertaining for him to watch.
I am also feeling insecure about school. Nothing new there right? We start our project tonight and I am not really prepared. I have this problem where once I’ve finished with my midterms I decide that I deserve a break and next thing I know I’m behind in all my classes and have more tests approaching.
Yesterday morning I downloaded the handbook that we are supposed to have read prior to tonight only to discover that it was 150 pages and I had homework due on the reading in two hours. I think that is also the point yesterday when I yelled at Chuckles and he left to have lunch with his dad as opposed to being around my toxic self. Anyway, I’m sure my group will manage. It is a game and we will be competing with other groups in the class so I hope I can restrain myself and not let my competitive side take over.
After class there is going to be a study abroad fair and there is a class during the intersession that is in the Dolomites in Italy that I desperately want to take and yet I keep talking myself out of it. So many excuses: it costs too much money, I can’t take that much time off work, it’s precious time spent taking a class I don’t need to graduate. It is a class based on emotional intelligence, which I know some people think is bullshit, but I have heard only good things about this class and I have always been desperate to see Italy. Ever since I was thirteen and read Beach Music by Pat Conroy (I know…cheesy, but I was an impressionable teenager) I have been dying to go to Italy and I have always regretted not studying abroad as an undergrad. So part of me wants to go, but part of me is scared to go hiking through a foreign country with strangers where we talk about our feelings. Just writing that out made me think Hells no, I am not going. But then every email I get from the professor has this quote at the bottom:
"You will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in you sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
I know I would be disappointed if I didn’t go. Hopefully, at the end of class I won’t be feeling too lazy or too anxious and I will stop and get more details.