Pineapple Police

I participated in the Pineapple Classic this weekend for the second year in a row. I was on a team with my friend, Linda; the Sandy Bee-yotches. I know, we’re dorks. It’s a fun race – it’s a 5K obstacle course. There are walls to climb over, tubes to crawl through, and nets to climb across. Needless to say you end the race covered in mud.

Well, this year I was lucky enough to have an asshole following me throughout the course. First, there was the wall that had no footholes and was so tall that even with a running leap I still couldn’t touch the top. As I tried to do a running leap and failed I shrugged and turned to walk around and saw AH give me a distinctly dirty look. I tried to shrug it off thinking I had just imagined it.

Next were the dreaded monkey bars. I didn’t even attempt these last year. It still boggles my mind that I could do this at any point in my life. This year though I at least tried it. It took me three tries to even grab a hold of the stupid bars (in case you haven’t figured it out yet I’m a tad bit shorter than your average female). When I finally did get a grip on them my hand immediately slipped off and I consider myself lucky that I didn’t fall flat on my back in the middle of a mud puddle. So I said, “Screw it!” As AH behind me said, “What you’re not even going to attempt it?!” I answered with the same dirty look he gave me earlier.

So throughout this race every team has to carry a pineapple with them and every time we got to an obstacle Linda would stick it down her pants to free up her hands. And, yes, it was as funny as it sounds. At the second wall as Linda stuffed it down her pants I told her that she didn’t have to stretch her pants out this time she should just throw the pineapple over the wall and pick it up on the other side. AH interjected here and informed us that you are NOT ALLOWED to let the pineapple touch the ground EVER. I told him there was no need to worry we’d already been disqualified multiple times so SUCK IT. I didn’t actually say suck it out loud because I have no balls.

Next was the net that we had to climb up and over. I watched as Linda climbed up it with a pineapple stuffed down her pants and when she had climbed over the top I started climbing up it. When I got to the top I swung my leg up and over only to hear AH yell, “Thanks for not kicking me in the face!” Shouldn’t he have been farther down the net knowing that I was going to have to move my leg that way to climb over the top?!

So…yeah…that’s my rant about AH at the Pineapple Classic. I really did have fun on it and will do it again next year. But seriously it’s supposed to be a fun and crazy race – people running it shouldn’t appoint themselves the Pineapple police, instead, they should be encouraging everyone else. Like the people at the second wall who cheered for me when I made it over because I still had to stretch like crazy to reach the top despite the footholds.